First I feel I should explain the title. Anyone who has studied emotional intelligence, psychology and so on is probably familiar with the “powers” being “yours, mine and universal.” What this simply means is that there are your issues, my issues and universal issues. You are the only one who can control your issues, regardless if they affect me; I am the only one who has the power to control my issues, even if they affect you; and neither of us have the power to control the universe, regardless of the fact that affects us. That being said I think I can continue.
The issue of people hitting rock bottom, people trying to save people from themselves and people letting others manipulate them in to staying seems to be the theme going on around me. As someone who has tried to be the “rescuer” in the past, I now look back and shake my head at my own mistakes. We, as flawed human beings, cannot save anyone from themselves. Can we encourage them? Yes. Can we hope for them? Yes. Can we make them change? No…a BIG FAT NO. We cannot make anyone change against their own will. And trust me when I tell you that someone may seem willing to change themselves, but it has to be deep down in the core of themselves that the desire to change is living. It cannot be a superficial “want” but a realistic “need.” I say this because I have been the person that people are trying to change, and it just doesn’t work. Until I finally allowed myself to accept that I was not perfect and never would be, I would not change. The same goes for people around me that I have loved dearly. I so desperately wanted to just take their problems away and the pain, but it wasn’t (and isn’t) my place to do so. Their actions (or powers) may be affecting me, but I ultimately knew that there was nothing I could do except hope. Well, let me rephrase that…I now know that there was nothing I could have done because at the time I really thought I could change them. But, I couldn’t.
So what does that have to do with “Once and you’re done,” you ask? Simple. Sometimes we will stay in a relationship because we feel that leaving is giving up on ourselves or the other person, however, my mentor has said this phrase to me before and it is true. If your significant other has done it once (hitting, verbal abuse, cheating, etc.) they will do it again. I hear people say “after they are clean I would get back with them.” Wait, what? No! MAYBE…MAYBE after the person has been clean, sober, rehabbed, changed for a good period of time (no, not 2 weeks, months and maybe not even 2 years) THEN you might be able to start over as friends…but this is a huge maybe.
I am saying all of this because I feel that it is essential to understand that I am not changing myself and others, I am simply changing myself in hopes to inspire others to also change. I am saying this because I have friends who get manipulated in to these crappy scenarios that I have lived through. I am saying this because it is my hope that people will not forget about themselves in the midst of caring for other people. Yes, we should love everyone. Yes, we should do good for the “greater good.” But, we should not put ourselves in to a position of such weakness that we also get pulled down by the weight of the issues that other people are going through. Two sick people do not make a healthy relationship!
So, in closing — If you know someone who is suffering from any type of issue: alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, a bad relationship, etc. Do not try to stop them — be there for them as long as it is safe to do so, hope for them, pray for them if you pray, and allow them to change when the time comes.
Be the Change: Leave the Cave! 