I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I ever will. However, I have come to a place in my thirty-something existence where I am content with not knowing what I want. Have I fallen in love, yes, maybe only really once, but in other ways a few times. But what is life without falling madly in love a couple times? At a short five foot three inches and a bit curvy, me and my golden brown hair and green eyes don’t always win the hearts or eyes of those around me. That doesn’t stop me from admiring people any way. So here I am. I could sit and tell you about my perfect life, but that doesn’t exist. What does is exist are the ins and outs of the life I have and do live now. Even more exciting, I want to show you who I am by whom I have fallen for. Let’s start with the bad and work our way to the better.
My first boyfriend came in to my life when I was about sixteen and a half. He swooped in and stole my heart, then my mind and finally my body. I left my entire social group to be around this guy and to be honest the sun rose and set for him. For the sake of privacy, we will call him Chad. He really looks like he could be a Chad. All blonde hair and blue eyes, skinny and tall, Chad was my knight in shining armor, or something like that. Things were great for a while. But then it became the “Chad show” and my hopes and dreams kind of disappeared in to the shadow of his self-professed amazingness. He wanted to be a rock star, he wanted to be famous, he wanted to be everything he never said he wanted to be when we first began dating. Isn’t it funny how people save the crazy until after they hook you?
Well, I have always learned to adapt and to hold on to whatever I have. But a cute boy at work took me away from Chad for a short time and then the blonde “god” won me back. But when he won me back I soon discovered that Chad had a problem – he was addicted to pain pills. Chad had his good and bad moments from the time we reunited until he finally dumped me. He always seemed conflicted over being together and not being together. I allowed him to be in control of that when I could have walked away long before I became intensely emotionally attached. It was too late. I tried joining him on his quest to dull his senses and ruin his life by taking pills too. Funny thing is, I didn’t like how they made me feel and the thought of being addicted wasn’t possible. I knew I was headed nowhere fast, but I loved this guy so damned much that I stayed around. By this time in our 4 year span of relationship, I was a mere twenty years old. I shouldn’t have been chained to this guy who obviously needed help, but I didn’t realize that getting help was not something I could make Chad do, he had to do it for himself. I held on to the very end when he finally broke up with me – why? Who knows, but thank you Chad for sparing me a life of addiction and who knows what else? I did run in to Chad again quite a few years down the road. He had cleaned up there for a while, but fell back in to his addiction. How he is or where he is today, I have no clue.
(To be continued…)